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Hear about the pregnant brunette, redhead, and blonde at the doctors office, they wanted to know if they were going to have a boy or a girl. The doctor asks the brunette if her husband was on top, she says yes, the doctor says your going to have a boy. Then he asks the redhead, and she says she was on top, he says your going to have a girl, the the blonde starts to cry, and exclaims "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Sheldon
Can I get a membership now. LOL
 
(AN IRISHMAN'S DIET)
An lrishman was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet
'l want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time l see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds' When the lrishman returned,he shocked the doctor by having lost 60 pounds!! 'Why, that's amazing' the doctor said, "did you follow my instructions[?]" The lrishman nodded...."I"ll tell you though, by Jaesuz,I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat third day" From hunger you mean[?] "No,from all de bloody skippin!!!
 
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a KTM rider and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, shootin' sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a KTM rider too."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
 
I was checking out at Walmart the other day and saw a lady walk in with two kids. She was screaming and yelling at them to the top of her voice. She had on dirty jeans, a ripped shirt and flip flops exsposing her cracked and filthy feet with yellowing toenails. When she yelled at her children you could see she had missing teeth and the teeth she had left were yellow and crooked. As she entered the store, the greeter said, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart. What lovely children you have, are they twins?" The woman stops screaming long enough to reply, "He** no, and what ever gave you that idea, do you think they look alike?" "No" says the greeter, "I can't imagine anyone making love to you twice"
 
Bob was happily involved with Lorraine for years. One day he met Clearly and was swept off his feet but the problem was he was still with Lorraine. One day Bob and Lorraine were crossing the street when Lorraine was struck by a bus and killed. Bob was very distraught at first but then he realized....





I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone.
 
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