DEAR SANTA CONTEST

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Scott

Scott

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DEAR SANTA CONTEST

Before I get started, please notice the “Article Contest†post stickied at the top of this Casual Conversation forum. Let’s be getting those articles going!

As we approach January and the Birthday Bash, I felt we needed a little something to get us all thinking about contests, and having fun. So we will hold the Dear Santa contest now. So get your pens inked and your pencils sharpened, and lets get started!

The Rules

As a youngster, did you ever write a letter to Santa, telling him what you wanted? Well, now you’re a Penturner, but Santa still wants to know! The object of this contest is to write your letter to Santa, based on penturning. But strangely enough, we are not as much interested in “what†you want as we are in how you go about explaining it to Santa! This contest is just for fun! Serious entries can be sent to Yahoo, or someplace. Have some fun with this!

Keep your entries to no more than a couple of hundred words. If you choose to use pictures or illustrations, keep them to a reasonable size, and use no more than two. Please only submit one entry per person, but you may edit your entries as time goes on. Post your entries in this topic, beneath the rules here. The contest commences at this time on December 1st, and will end at 5:00 pm Mountain time on December 14th. That will give you two weeks. Judging will be anonymous, meaning I will pick the judges and you will not know who they are. Judging will be final. Remember that this is a family site, and keep profanity and other questionable things out of your entries. There will be a first, second, and third prize awarded, and the prizes will be real Penturning prizes, not my broken-down toaster!

So commence writing! Santa wants to know !

PS - I have another fun contest planned to start on the 15th! Watch for it!

Scott.
 
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Dear Santa,
My how time does fly. Sorry that I have not written in...well lets say a while. With the jobs, wife, children, and generally keeping life rolling, it seems that I simply never get around to dropping you a note. Thank you for being such a faithful friend during this time. Stopping by once a year and simply brightening our day. Although the little one got a bit upset last year when you ate the cookies and milk she had left from her evening snack. Seems she was looking forward to starting her day off with it. But don't fret about it. The cheer you bring us with your visits far outweigh such small inconveniences, you are welcome in our home any time.
well, i guess it is time to get down to business, as there is a pourpose for me writing you. The fact is that since the little ones have started coming along. As well as there related expensis. I have had to Pawn most of the items you have left me in the past few...(Uh) 22 years. Not that i didn't appreciate them, but it has simply been a real stuggle making ends meet. Sort of like trying to harness up the reindeer after they get loose in the candy cane patch ha ha. well anyway, I was hoping I could sort of catch up this year.
So I am sending you a little list, do your best

Merry Christmas
1 of everything from the woodturners catalog
1 of everything from the P.S.I. catalog
1 of everything from the berea catalog
A whole new set of shop equipment from Grizzly
oh and don't forget a Nova Lathe
just about anything you can find in the way of wood in Bill B. wood shop.
I would have taken the time to get more specific by my oldest just called and is stranded with a flat tire. gotta run
Daniel
 
Dear Santa,
My wife and I just went to get our Christmas tree. What's the big deal you ask. Well, the weather, for one. It snowed in the morning, then it changed to rain and a pouring down rain, at that. It was 35 degrees out, so the rain is boarder line snow. On top of that the wind is blowing between 25 and 40 miles per hour. I wanted to wait till next weekend, but the wife wanted to keep the tradition of taking our grandson with us to get the tree. My daughter lives an hour and a half away, so it's not a quick jont to get him. And on top of all this, she insists on a fresh cut tree. So I get to kneel in 3 or 4" of slush to cut a tree. I'm just getting too old for this crap.

Santa, I want an artificial tree for next Christmas, so I don't have to go through this ever again.

Thank you,
 
Dear Santa,
It has been along time since I have written to you, and I feel a little bad about writing now. You were so good to me when I was growing up and our family did not have much money for Christmas, and you always seemed to come thru with something I could use and have fun with. Now I am much older and have always tried to make my own way and to help others whenever I could. You know I have been good, well maybe except for that one-time 40 years ago when I... well you know about that. And, yes, there was that other time 35, years ago, and then the other time or two..three.. Santa I have tried real hard to be good, and you know how hard that is in today's world when you are around so many turkeys, and so much temptation, and such arrogant, self-centered bosses, and uncaring kids, and..well you know how it is. At least I have been good this year except for... Santa, I am trying hard.

Anyway, you know how much I love penturning and how it gives me a chance to get away from all the pressures, and from LOML and all of her wants, and from friends and their wants.. Anyway, what I really need is the tools and equipment to be a better penturner, and the time to do this. That way I can stay in my shop making pens such as an Emperor in Ramon Burl, or a Jr. Statesman in some Awesome Desert Iron wood burl. Oh I also need the customers to feed my habit. And Santa, what I really need most of all, is for you to convince my wife that I really do need 5,000 pen blanks and 500 pen kits, and those new Turning tools, and that new lathe, and band-saw and such. I will be good next year if I can get these wants this year. I will even make you some cookies ( some real ones not the mud ones I did that one time). Please try to remember the one time or two that I really was good and forget the others.

Rob
 
Folks - I cleaned up this topic a bit so we can focus on the actual contest. Thanks and good luck!
 
Dear Santa,
This has been a wonderful year, you know. You know I've been trying to be good. You haven't received any letters from me for awhile, though because, well, I've gotten a bit older. And you know how this world of business is . . . Bic pens are cheap and easy to come by. People keep taking mine thinking it's theirs. So by the time I sit down to write you, I don't have a pen.

So I've learned to make pens this year. Now if I had a whole new workshop, everything included I could make a pen other people couldn't MISTAKE as theirs. Then I could write you more. Thats what I'd like under my tree.

Cathy Sue
 
Dear Santa,

First let me say that I hope you have recovered from that little fall you took last year. I didn't realize that my grandsons had left their Hotwheels scattered on the floor between the fireplace and Christmas tree. Boy was I embarrassed to wake up and find the broken coffee table and rather mangled Hotwheels on the floor. [:I] We'll make sure the path is clear this year. And don't worry about the coffee table. It was a cheap import and I built a new one of solid Oak... QS White Oak, so please be careful. I don't think it would break your fall as well as the old one. It held me just fine a few weeks ago when I was dancing on it (and I figure we weigh about the same)... yeah, I probably had a bit too much Tequila, but you know how parties go.

Anyway, I've been quite happy with the things you've left our family members over the years, but now find myself with a bit of a need. Unlike when I was young and would send you a long list of Christmas wishes, I'll try to keep this one short. I find myself in need of a thickness sander. As you know, I'm a woodworker and the planer you left me a few years ago was great... for a while, but the nut that holds the large drive pulley won't stay tight. This has a tendency to ruin drive belts, and I just can't afford to have it fixed right now. The new thickness sander would take some of the pressure off the planer... not to mention making it easier to do all those segmented turnings that the family loves so well. Don't get me wrong, I love doing them. I'd just like to be able to do them a little faster so I can make more than just a few each year. Our family is quite large and you know how demanding they can be. I'm not complaining, mind you, I'm just having trouble keeping up with the demands and this would certainly help. Not all of your gifts have been as disappointing as the planer. I couldn't be happier with the Mustard Monster you left for me last year. Yes, a few more attachments for it would be nice... like a task light, Monster Captured Hollowing tool, Bowl Saver, and a full set of Sorby chisels, but I'll get by.

And I've been a good little biker... well, as good as a biker can be anyway. Okay, so you'll have to ignore some of the antics, but what fun is a party w/o Tequila and girls clothes falling off? Besides, the look on the faces of their old men as the camera flashes go off is PRICELSS! Let me know if you want copies. I'll hook you right up. [;)]

As always, keep it ski side down, brother, and I'll leave a double shot of Don Julio next to the cookies for you. Oh, and should you desire, you know where the beer and whiskey is. Help yourself, and have a very merry Christmas.

Billy B.
 
Dear Santa,

I won't bore you with pleas about how good I've been, you already know all that. And far be it from to advise you on setting proper standards of behavior.

Unlike many others, I won't be asking for a shop full of tools, as I believe that a true craftsman, which I still aspire to be, can make wonderful things with what ever tools are at hand.

My problem is that I am not yet a true craftsman and still make many many mistakes. That's OK though, because I learn from each one. It would be really nice though, if I didn't end up wasting so much material. To fix that, I would really appreciate it if you could bring me a wood stretcher for those times when my cuts are just a little too short.

As an act of good faith, I will be skipping the traditional milk & cookies treat, and will be leaving you a nice closed end, segmented Baron made with red mallee burl and holly.

Merry Christmas,
Dave
 
Dear Santa,
I'm sure that by now you've gotten hundreds of letters from penturners who are making a feeble attempt at trying to reconnect after a long lapse from writing. As you know I've been a faithful writer since I was first able and I have always believed in you, although it seems that the older I get, the more skeptics there are (but what do they know).
You have always been good at giving me the things I've wanted but I have a tough request this year. About 6 years ago you were nice enough to supply me with a lathe and the tools to start turning pens. Over those 6 years I have slowly progressed but no matter how good I seem to be getting those darn folks on the IAP forum are always better. Now I'm not one to wish harm on anyone so I'm not asking you to CA glue their finger together or to make their pen mandrels run out of alignment but if you could give me enough time to read all the instruction they post and the opportunity to meet more of those great folks (so that I can gain additional skills), I'd greatly appreciate it. This way I hope one day I may good enough to get one of my pens posted on the IAP home page.
Thanks in advance, Bob I.

PS My wife is asking for you to bring me a bigger shop. Honestly, that's what she's asking for.
 
Santa,
How about a new leg for me and good wood burls for all my IAP family? (you know where the key is right? we can settle up later) And one of those little wooden trains for little Nolan.
 
Santa

Let me start by saying that Blitzen is okay and will remain that way as long as you follow my instructions. You and I haven't always seen eye to eye on this good/bad thing, but I want you to know that I don't harbor any grudges for your opinion. Be that as it may, I have a request that I'm sure you'll be all ears for. It's nothing really, so it shouldn't be all that difficult. I just wanted to ask that you help me advertise so that I can feed the family. I think an endorsement from you would go a long way in helping me build this little enterprise.

Like I said, Blitzen is fine. He may have gained a few pounds but I think he can still get off the ground. Dancer on the other hand will have to sober up a bit, and he may want to drift to the right only having one antler. I could trim it off too if you'd like.

your truely
Mike
(aka) naughty boy.
 
Dear Santa Please Help,

The kids are fighting and screaming and the wife is mad
All I hear is Dad, Dad, Dad.
Dad I want this and Dad I want that.
Dad will you read me Cat in the Hat.
Now don’t get me wrong it’s not all that bad.
If I could just figure out how to get the wife un-mad.
She says all I do is make pens in the shop.
I think I’ll take her to dinner at the IHOP.
Oh dear Santa, I long for the day.
When they are old enough to just move away.

Why I am writing you, I guess I should get to the point.
Before I lose my mind and end up in the joint.
I want a new set of turning tools.
Just like the rest of these other fools.
You can place a set of Sorby’s on my workbench.
You know the one where I keep my only wrench.
Like those English guys that just left the pub.
I have ground my skew down to it’s last nub.
If you can’t afford these because you are broke.
Would you just please tell why on IAP that guy calls me a bloke.
Now I haven’t been good and I haven’t been bad.
Oops, I have got to go, the wife’s getting mad.
 
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shop,
my tools were ahumming, going almost non-stop.
The lathe tools were sharpened, their edges agleaming.
They all were hoping to be used on pens I'd been adreaming.
The lathe was a spinning, head and tailstock so true,
oh you should see the pens that she'll do!
And LOML in her socks and me in my smock,
had just settled in to turn a few pens.

When over in the corner there arise such a clatter,
I looked up from the lathe to see what was the matter!
Away to the corner I ran through some trash,
Just in time to see my old dust collector fall over with a crash!
The old guy had sucked it's last dust,
I'll bet the insides are covered with rust!
Well there's pens to be turned so I decided I'll just do without,
when over by the lathe LOML gave a loud shout!
Seems the LMS 60 degree live center was smoking,
When I ran up it had me near choking!

LOML asks, " oh what will we do"?
I just shook my head and said , " I wish that I knew"
Then I remembered that the IAP was having a "Letter to Santa Contest",
I'd just write a letter and hope for the best!
I'll start it something like this,
" Please ,please Santa give heed to my list.
I need a new Dust collector, the old one is shot.
A nice live center would help too, what with all the things that I do"!
While I'm at it I think I'll ask for a few odds and ends,
like burls and blanks and laminates that bend.
Some nice high end pen kits would make me so happy,
helping me to forget about my tools that are crappy.
I could go on and on about things that go wrong,
but y'all all heard that sad old song!
I'll cut straight to the chase!

PLEASE, PLEASE SANTA THE HECK WITH ALL THAT STUFF, I WANT A NEW TABLE SAW AND A JOINER PLANNER!!!!

My sincere apologies to Clement Moore!!!
 
Dear Santa Clause;
It's been 3 years since I last spoke to you concerning Christmas requests. I think the statute of limitations has run so it will be safe to drive your sled down the street again. I warned you to stay out of my bourbon didn't I? Well, I would have.

I'll get right to the point: I would like a new lathe. I won't be greedy and ask for that pretty, shiny, awesome Oneway. Just send me the smaller, less expensive not quite the same Jet...just something that can turn a 16" bowl. Why do I need a new lathe? My Jet mini is a great lathe and it is far from worn out. It is really to help you out. You see, if YOU give me the new lathe, I will HAVE to buy some additional tools to go with it. If I buy some new tools, the guys at Woodcraft will be able to buy Christmas presents for their families. The guys at the tool company will too because Woodcraft has to buy their merchandise from somewhere so they will have more money to buy their families presents too. The investors in the tool companies will get a bigger dividend so they will be able to buy more presents and invest in more companies....well, you see how it works. All those people buying more presents means less demands on YOU. Isn't that great?

Now Santa, since you have less demands on your sled this year, in addition to the new lathe, maybe you could throw in a new parting tool, a one inch skew, a round nose scraper and a few assorted burls. Since you have the space that is.

Sincerly,
Mark

PS: the good stuff is in the back behind the crock pot. If you come early, wake me up, I will join you.
 
dear santa,i hope you remember me, i am the one that writes every year for the kids that only have one parent, yeh thats me, the fat hairy a%$£&d trucker. all i want this christmas is to send all our troops home safe and sound, no matter which country they are from. and yes the large glass of glenmorangie will be there. ps i will help you again next year with the pens, but you may have to help me out with the blanks. kind regards colin.
 
Dear Santa

As you well know I'm new to penturning. I thought when I started this would be a good hobby and I would piddle around with it when I had some extra time.

I must say this is not how things have worked out. So far I have spent a lot more money than my wife even needs to know about, and far more time in the shop than she likes for me to do. I am getting the old "you are spending time out there that you could be spending with me" routine just about every day now.

You must get that alot from Ms Santa with all the work you have to do in the shop each year. How do you take care of the problem.

I guess all I want this year is advise. Please inclue an answer to the above and how to get a finish on my pens that will look like some in the photo gallery. And also a spell checker.
Thanks
JT

PS
Im enclosing a poem to show you how serious this has become.

Twas battered and scarred and the auctioneer
Thought it scarcely worth his while
To waste much time on the old slimline pen
But he held it up with a smile.

What am I biddin good folks he ask
Who’ll start the biddin for me
A dollar, A dollars, then two only two
Two dollars and who’ll make it three.

Three dollars once, three dollars twice
And going for three but then
From the room far back a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the pen

Then tightening the knobs on the dusty old lathe
And turning the pen with flair
He finished a pen that was worthy of much
And should be guarded with care.

The turning stopped and the auctioneer
In a voice that was quiet for him,
Said what am I biddin good folk for this
And he held up the slimline pen.

A thousand dollars and who’ll make it two
Two thousand and who’ll make it three
Three thousand once, three thousand twice
And going and gone said he.

The people cheered but some of them cried,
We do not quiet understand.
What changed it’s worth?
Swift came the reply
The touch of a masters hand.

And many a man with life out of tune
And battered and scarred with sin
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd
Much like the old slimline pen.

A little food a little drink a game and he travel’s on
He’s going once and going twice
He’s going and almost gone
But the Master come and the foolish crowd
Never can quiet understand

The worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought
By the <b>Touch of The Masters Hand</b>
 
Dear Santa,

I'm not writing to you to ask for anything this Christmas. I have everything I need, my family, friends and all of our health. I appreciate all of the gifts received in the past. They have been put to good use. So please, this year, all of the time you would use to deliver gifts to me and the gifts themselves, please devote those to someone that really needs them. Thank you for all you do and I wish you well.
Thanks for fitting my letter into your busy schedule,
J.
 
Santa,

Me again.

I tried to edit my other post but couldn't, so Im posting again.
I kinda ripped the poem off from another one and just changed a few words. Please dont put me on the naughty list.

James
 
Dear Santa
Mine is a simple request this year . I started turning pens this year and quickly became addicted . Well the other night i was turning an Ironwood burl to go on a baron kit and when i was done i was soooo high with the pleasure of it I wanted to turn another one but my box of blanks was empty so i went to see if there was any fire wood left on the pile but alas we had just burnt the last piece so i went back in the house to goto bed when i saw the perfect piece of wood to turn . Now the loml was mad at me when i turned the antique end table into a bunch of cigar pens and the kids are still mad since i turned their lincon log set into slimlines but this all pales in comparision to how mad they will be in the morning . So if you would PLEASE bring me one thing for christmas you would make my life worth living again ....oh and by the way if you could bring it before christmas there wiil be a nice Majestic Jr waiting for you ... All I NEED this year is another Christmas tree ... By the way the Majestic Jr looks real nice decked out in that pine .
Merry Christmas everybody
 
Dear Uncle Sal… my bad, “Santaâ€,

Mom insists that I write to you. Seems you’re the last remaining male relative I have since Uncle Jack decided he was not really my Uncle but my Aunt… (How do call your ex-uncle in the Ice Business, who now collects teeth for a living, “Auntie?†That’s just wrong. Man, am I getting confused.

Speaking of confused, How come mom always jumps my frame about gaining weight? I try to tell her it runs in the family, but then I get put on a Vegan diet for six months. After six months eating like a Reindeer, even Rudolph starts looking pretty good.

When are you going to tell me what really happened to dad? That was the worst night of my life. Not only did I lose dad but grandma got run over by a hit and run driver!

I went to Toys-R-Us and got a Jr. CSI Kit (get over it Uncle Sal… you expect me to wait for a whole year???). I’m in the process of analyzing all the trace evidence found at the scene of the accident. I’m also going over all the crime scene photographs looking for clues. I have a lot of clues too.

1. Grandma got run over on Christmas Eve. There were two very thin tracks leading to her body and then just stopped. I think it was two perp’s on bikes. They jacked grandma, stole her purse and then did the E.T. thing and they just flew away on their bikes… (Uncle Sal, you have any bikes like that?)

2. Grandma’s coat had Egg Nog (gag me with a spoon!) stains on it that reeked of booze and you know she doesn’t drink.

3. There were crumbs in her hair. I think they were Snicker Doodle crumbs. The lab results showed trace amounts of sugar and cinnamon. She never liked Snicker Doodles… called them “sissy cookies.â€

4. There were animal tracks in the snow. Still trying to identify the cloven hooves.

5. Grandma’s walker had traces of red paint but it was some kind of custom epoxy resin that I can’t find. Must be a secret formula or something.

6. The really weird thing was all the half eaten carrots in the snow. I think grandma raided the veggie tray on the way out the door. Guess mom comes by the vegan obsession honestly… but look what it got grandma!

7. According to the police report, dad said he knew what happed but wanted to talk to you first. He left to hook up with you on New Years Day and never returned.

If I didn’t know better, Uncle Sal, I would almost think you were FUI and hit grandma!

Come to think of it, Uncle Sal, “Santaâ€â€¦. (gimme a break!!!) where were you on Christmas Eve five years ago, at 10:15 PM… huh??? I can keep a secret… for a price.

Even if you didn’t do it, I have enough circumstantial evidence to put you away for a long time. So, here’s the deal.

I want:
1. A George Forman Grill and a year’s supply of chicken wings.

2. Rid the world of all the Richard Simmons exercise videos and while you’re at it, take his Exploding Vegetable Steamer with you… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SCJLlSf21Y

3. A secret recipe for stabilizing rotten wood. People pay big bucks for plastic coated rotten wood… go figure!!

4. All the rotten wood in the world. If I can control the supply, then the demand will drive the price up!

5. Half of Rudolph’s rack. I can make another fortune auctioning off pieces on Ebay to the same people that buy the plastic coated rotten wood. These people are really nuts!

6. A secret formula for a flawless finish for wood and plastic stuff turned on a lathe. These people are fixated on finding the “perfect finish.†I mean, they melt plastic with nasty chemicals and slather it all over wood and get giddy when it polishes to a high shine!

7. Names and e-mail addresses for all the people in the world that ask for Pen Turning tools and supplies so I can tell them about my “new products.â€

I will never have to work again, as long as there are people like them in the world… and an Uncle that’s looking at life in prison for felony hit and run.

Warm regards Uncle "Santa",

SuperDave
 
Dear Santa, I have been sooooo good this year. I have given lots of folks pens that couldn't afford them and pens to the preacher and to my wife's doctors. I have sold so many below my actual selling price because I could see how badly they wanted the pen and couldn't quite pay the price. So, you see how very good I have been. Ths LOML sometimes gets a little ticked off when I buy more wood than I let her buy groceries, but that's not really being bad!!! I just have to have that wood because people are waiting for their pens. We can eat later! My lathe has been overworked and is really tired. I could use another nicer, larger one so I can learn to turn bowls and other things, too.
My grandchildren are soooo excited about learning to turn pens. They love to watch and "help" me make them. So, you see, we will have some more penturners in the family soon and will need to buy more wood, burls, acrylic, antlers, equipment, and tools. If you would help me out with the equipment, tools, wood, burls, acrylic, antlers and anything else I could use to get these little ones really helping me out, that would be so great! Plus then the wife could still buy groceries and pay bills like we used to do before I started turning pens
Oh yeah, the most important thing is, Santa, to help me build my shop so that I can get out of the garage and the wife can get to the washer and dryer. I am really tired of wearing these same dirty clothes because she says she will not climb over the lathe and saw and dust collector to try to get to the washer and dryer. Geesh! She could go next door and borrow theirs, but she won't do that for some reason.
Anyway, Santa, I know other penturners will leave you pens as bribes to give them what they want, but I will leave both you and Mrs. Claus pens made from alligator jawbone and hide just because you know I am such a nice guy. I'd ask the wife to bake you some cookies, but you know they would have to be made out of wood....you know, no groceries. And thanks, Santa.
 
Dear Santa,

I want everyone to have a wonderful time this christmas and for all of us to have a safe year with no loss of digits as we play with our toys oopss I mean tools... also I hope everyone finds just the right things under their tree

Chuck
 
Dear Santa,
I just bought a REAL lathe to replace the Jet pen lathe I have been using. There are 3 things I need from you now:
1) The strength to carry this thing into the basement.
2) The talent to use it. (Seen some of the stuff I've made? this is the important part)
3) And the hardest part, some way to explain to LOML the charge on the credit card!!!!!

Ron
 
Dear Santa,

Wow Santa, I can't believe it's been a whole year since we went to that party. Do you remember the great time we had? Love the designer reindeer long johns and the lamp shade. You are so BAD Santa!!!!!

Chris, I know your busy this time of year but wanted to ask you for something special for LOML. I have a little Turncafter Plus lathe that works great for me. LOML has a great big ol' ginormous lathe he found at a yard sale. We love being outside together making pens, comparing woods, techniques, etc. We have alot of fun but he gets so frustrated with the finish on his pens. He doesn't have a variable speed dial like I do[:(]. He sands, he finishes, he sands, he refinishes, he sands, he refinishes, re-refinishes, he refini...................well, you get the picture. It's gotten to point where he doesn't spend as much time out there as I do and I miss him!!!!!!!! He had saved the money for a new lathe but our youngest son just graduated from police academy and needed a back up gun. LOML spent his lathe money for our son's gun for Christmas. I know I'm not asking for world peace, (if you can do that it would be a good thing), but if you can manage a little extra money in my checkbook so I can surprise him with a new lathe, man that would be great! If it's not possible, there is always next year. I'll save my letter just in case, with editing.

Thanks for reading Big Guy, you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!
 
Santa my friend
It has been a while
Since my last letter
I wrote as a child

But now I am grown
With son and a wife
I’m eternally grateful
To still have a life.

My wife has been great
She bought me a lathe
Thinking of bowls
A goblet or vase

But then I discovered
That pens were my prize
My wife simply smiled
And rolled up her eyes.

She watched as I struggled
And sanded away
Then I discovered
The old IPA

Now pens are improving
A long way to go
But one of these days
I’ll sell at a show

Now that its Christmas
My list if I may
That something special
For this Christmas day

I could ask for pen blanks
I could ask for gloves
Or even a Oneway
To turn the above

But none of that Santa
I have one request
To help find a present
For the one I love best


--------------------------------------------------



Merry Christmas to all in the IPA
 
Dear Santa,
Forgive me for not having ever written to you before. I guess I've been Claustrophobic. I really don't want anything for Christmas or even Kwanzaa for that matter. But I am writing because I need a very special favor ... can't you please make the IAP people be nice to me??? As you know, I've been having a really tough time in IAP. The problem is that nobody in IAP likes me. I try my best to be nice to the IAP members, but it just doesn't help. [V]

Actually, my problems began when I tried to join IAP three years ago. When I first registered for IAP Jeff told me that I would have to fill out a membership application form and that the members would vote to admit me. Unfortunately, I was blackballed. I was heartbroken. So, I waited a whole year and changed my username to DocStram. I figured that maybe if people thought I was a "Doctor" I would get enough votes to become a member. Well, it worked! They still don't know that I'm not a real live doctor. But, who cares? I've been a dues paying member since February, 2006. That's another one of my IAP problems .. dues. You can imagine my surprise when I found out yesterday that IAP does not charge dues. I'm wondering what Jeff did with my $250.00?

Santa, the people in IAP are never nice to me. I don't have any IAP friends. Well, I thought I had one friend. His name was Dario. I ordered one of his "Chef's Specials". I thought, for $35 I was going to get a really nice assortment of blanks. Guess what came in the mail? A bunch of old, rusty lettuce. When I emailed Dario about it he said, "Oh, I thought you wanted the Chef's Salad!"

And then there was another time when I read a post about this really cool lathe tool called a Bedan. I asked Mudder where I could get one. He wrote back and said to order one through Plumbing.Com. So I did. And guess what they sent me? A bidet. I use it as a drinking fountain in my shop.

Another thing, Santa .. get this! I've never had any of my pen photos picked for the the Featured Pen on the IAP Home Page. I wonder what that's all about. Ok, so I don't have an IAP photo album. Like, what's the big deal??

Everybody's mean to me in IAP! Listen to this, Santa. I've always wanted the chance to go to a real live Bubbasville. When I heard they were having one in Georgia last year, I couldn't wait to attend. I drove three whole hours to get there. And when I did ..... they told me the wrong city. [:(]

I really want people to be nice to me in IAP. It's my only chance for having friends. I was so desperate to have people like me that I even sent a letter to Oprah. (Don't you just love her!!) Oprah wrote back and told me to "reinvent myself". So I went right to IAP's Introductions and posted a "Hi! I'm the NEW DocStram". http://www.penturners.org/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=30731 It hasn't done any good. All they're doing is making fun of me and saying I'm just the same old DocStram.

Here's the worst thing of all. When I told the IAP members that I still believed in you. Some mean person sent this card to me.




200712104230_santa-is-dead-tombstone.jpg


PLEASEEEEE make them be nice to me. [V]

DocStram
 
Bump? OK, that's not my Santa story. But how about if we change the rules mid-stream here, just for the fun of it?

In addition to letters TO Santa, we'll also accept letters FROM Santa! [:eek:)]

So now what are you going to do? There's only a few days left to enter!

Scott.
 
December 12, 2007

From: Santa Clause
North Pole


Dear Chuckie,

It was a pleasure visiting with you and having the opportunity to discuss your Christmas list on December 5, 2007. As mentioned during the visit please send me a complete copy of your list so I may coordinate everything within the North Pole organization. I should be able to accommodate all of your requests.

Thank you for your tip to be aware of "pen turners bearing bowl gouges" during my travels on Christmas Eve. I will be discussing this with North Pole authorities as well as local authorities and Rudolph.

Thanks again and be sure to get a copy of that list to me.

Sincerely,

Santa

Note to self: Please see the "Confidential Memo" I placed in Chuckie's file!!
 
Dear Bruce,

I'm afraid Christmas is cancelled this year. My heart stopped from laughing so hard when you wrote to me saying you'd been a "good" boy this year. I'll be in the hospital for the next six weeks recovering. My real reason for writing is to give you a heads up. The elves are preparing an "excursion" to your house. You may want to be out of town for awhile. Also, I'll be interviewed this evening by all the major news networks as to why Christmas is cancelled. I hope you won't mind my giving them your phone number, address and a current photo of you. I hope this next year is better for you and please don't make any more of your home made cookies. Whoever said you knew how to make them lied to you.

Sincerely,
Santa
 
Dear Al (aka DocStram),
You didn't have to tell me that you'vev never written me, Al, I know all too well. And you didn't seem so "phobic" that day you kicked me in the shins and ran away calling me a fake. As usual, you'll get your Christmas wish you old Scrouge... nothing. and what's this Kwanzaa stuff? That isn't even my department.

Now concerning you favor, why would I do you a favor? You've certainly done nothing to deserve it. Besides, I've read the comments you speak of and cannot find the slightest bit of validity to your complaint. I believe that you fellow IAP members have been more than appropriately cordial to you. More than you deserve, in fact. If you are having a tough time at IAP, it's probably just your conscience for the way you talk to my good friend William Cavanaugh. And you have plenty of friends at IAP. Take Billy B. (aka Alamocdc)for example. He has continually stuck up for you, but don't ask me why. I can't see that you've done anything to deserve such a friendship.

Al, Al, Al, you know that your so called membership registration was your own fault. Had you simply entered the requested information instead of trying to get "cute", the system would not have locked up on you. Personally I'm surprised that Jeff continues to put up with your incessant claims of injustice. Oh, don't worry about the $250.00. Jeff is holding it to handle any litigation you incite.

Further, Al, you can't blame Dario for what he sent you. You told him that you wanted to experiment and he sent you material for just that purpose. I ask you, Al, who but a friend would be that considerate?

Scott (aka Mudder) is quite the character isn't he? Such an interesting sense of humor. And quit the practical joker. My point here, Al, is that you are just too serious. Anyone else would have been able to figure out that Scott was pulling their leg. But not you. You "chose" to take offense rather than accept it in the spirit offered. You've offered no proof to any of these claims, Al.

Finally, Al, practice, practice, practice. I'm sure that Jeff will grace the Featured Pen area with one of you creations just as soon as you contribute a pen of acceptable quality.

So you see, Al, like anything else, it's what you make of it. And for some reason, you choose to make vinegar while the others make eggnog. So just for you this year, Al, I have a very special gift. A Christmas wish for you and your friends at IAP... and believe me you have many.

May your Christmas be full of cheer and happiness! And may you be blessed with a most safe and prosperous New Year!

Merry Christmas, Al!

Santa
 
Rob (great12B4ever

I received your letter, and I wanted you to know that I can't forget all of the times you have been bad. Really, you put a new twist on bad, one that is hard to explain. I have looked thru the records for the last 59 years to try to find ONE GOOD THING that you have done, and still can't find anything. I will grant you that there were a couple of times you were almost good, like that time you saved your money to buy your sick brother a special Christmas present. I had high hopes for you, but you must surely know that a live rattlesnake loose in a box is NOT a good thing, so that went to the bad side of the ledger. There was that other time when you worked real hard making a Christmas lei of vines and flowers for your mother. I thought you had a good one until I saw that you used Poison Ivy for the vines! Totally Bad. And now you write me asking for me to convince your dear sweet wife that you need 500 pen kits and 5,000 blanks and customers so you can stay in the shop, away from her. I'm sorry (not really but thought it would be nice to say) but she is right. You do NOT need that many, especially since you haven't made one perfect pen yet!! Yes I know about your one pride and joy, but Rob, gluing rose thorns to a bic pen is NOT a good thing. No not at all. I know you enjoyed it when you handed it to your brother and saw the blood flow from his fingers, but you were the only one to enjoy that. You need to be thankful that I even bothered to write you. I have one piece of advice for you. Why don't you do what al (akaDocStram) did and reinvent yourself? You might be able to get some good points from Cav, and Mudder, and Almodoc, and ed4copies and some of the others on the great IAP forum. Since they don't see the side of you that I do, they may tray to help you. Mrs Claus says it is lost cause, but I have hopes. By the way, as you know I HATE MUD PIES.

Santa

PS, Rudolph did get over your putting those traps on the top of the house that one time, and my trusted main elf finally got all of his hair to grow back after your roman candle escapade.
 
Dear Santa,

Finally, an honest letter. I haven’t been good this year, and I don’t intend to be good next year. I’m not going to pretend that I want others to get all the good loot, because I am sure you are wise to that trick. It is a solemn promise that I won’t try the reinvent myself trick either. The only ones who try that are political candidates and guys who sit around watching Oprah, Ellen, and The View. Believe me, Santa those guys have a built in dust collector, if you get my drift.

Santa, I’m not going to be a name dropper by pretending I have been drinking with you, biking with you, or any of that baloney. You know, I have to say I admire your patience for reading all these letters. If I were you, I would roll up some of those rewritten Christmas poems and insert them in a place totally lacking in sunshine. What I wouldn’t do with the letters addressed to Santa Clause!!! They are almost as bad as the old “I know I haven’t written lately, but (insert lame excuse here)†letters. Who do those clowns think they are fooling? Don’t they know you have been around for more than a few Christmas seasons?

Tell you what, Santa, give me whatever you want. You haven’t shafted me too bad, other than the year I got that inflatable doll. I don’t think Grandma was ever the same after she saw that present! I still remember the time my brothers found the fake tombstone about you and scared me half to death!! How that “Docâ€Stram found the photo of that and posted it online is a mystery to me.

Speaking of “Docâ€Stram, I guess I have to mention the IAP. There are some boys, and girls, there that need some help. Some, like wudnhed, are honest, even if they can’t even spell wooden. Others have no idea of geography; there is one guy, a biker no less, who wants to go to the Alamo to see DC. Give me a break, they let guys like this use power tools?????????? I could go on and on, but let me return to “Docâ€Stram. He has always been a pain, but once Oprah spoke out for Barack Obama he sort of lost it. He reinvented himself. Yeah, right, more like re-re-re-re-re-re-re-invented himself, and still didn’t get it right. Think the Scarecrow on Wizard of Oz...............

Sorry Santa, got to get going; I have some killer chili on the stove and have to cool it off with a handful of jalapenos.

Oops, I almost forgot. Here are a couple of things you might like.

http://www.scroogeyourself.com/?id=1343670228

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1344467699
 
Ciao Zantah Klaus,

how yah doin? Is everycent OK with Mrs. Klaus, dah little <s>elfs</s> kids they OK? Yah no, that dah familie issa dah mosta importanta think to a man kin half? Henniway, I needa u help widda problem eye gotta. Zantah, onlee jew can helpa me out. No eye, no needa da money. Eye needa dah helpa with stayin widdah boyz n girlz adda IAP. Eye thing they wanna <s>wop</s> wipe me out.

Eye come to America IAP when I wassa littel boy. Meye realla name iz Vito, butta meye supposed tobee IAP frienzs call me Peter, sometime "wood-of-1kind". Am ah soooh confuzed thattah I donno watta orr wooo eye wanna bee. Eye gootz an identatee problem. Dah peephole here they no undastanda mi. Summa think that my ****ree iz so far away and sowe cold that they no wanna shippa dah nice a penna kits tu mee. Wazza wronga wit that BB anyhow? It no stoppa there. Big Willie (Cav), he has me scared me tu rite until tuday. He looka and he looka for dah smallest littel spelling mizsteak thatta wee all mak every always ounce inna wild. Denna therezthat DocStram, whuz no even a dottor. Che cazz?!?! Wattsa he gonna be tomorraw? Eye know trust him, even wenna he sayz that da niceah girla Oprah issa helpin him to change,ah.

I taut eye hadda real paisan here wittah wise guy Anthony(Penworks). Butta eye gotta tella yu, heez a realle mangia-cake and gigolo. E make dah besta pens ever butta heeza wastin iz time a playing golf all atime. Now iffa he waz a real paisan he wood have helpa mee take care of Jeff (The bigga cheez @ IAP). Jeff, he a scares me. HE no talk much butta when he duz, watch out. He mean businezz. I try to getza Gerry to helpa mee to taka a nicah pictu for meye pens but he refused me.Watta trashie guy. No problema, GerryR izza in Montana and no buddy issa gonna fine him anyhoot.

Eye can go on en onna about the boyz here they no wanna let mee play nice and nize inn there littel IAP houz becauz they see me assA foreignR."Make them an offer that they can't refuse" and letta themma be my frienz. If u do this for mee, eye will callz u my Codfather forever. Stoppah sendin mee that "baccala"(fish) for Christmas and justa sem mee all that nice ah turning prices four thah IAP bash.

Buon Natale a tutti and to all a Merry IAP Christmas.
-Peter-
 
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Dear Santa,
I just can't take it any more! All this talk about ph pen vises and how good they are. My request is really simple. I'll keep it short (some of these letter writers would make good preachers they are so long winded).
Since I am so advanced in age and since Paul told me that I was number 96 on his list for a vice, I have begun to fear that I might die or be too old to turn by the time I get my vice. So Santa, since you are good at miracles, what I would like is for you to make it possible for all the other people on Paul's list to volunteer to step aside so my name can come to the top of the list. See, that's really simple. All I really want for Christmas is my PhDesigns pen vise. Thanks Santa. (I'm not sure what you will use to persuade the others to step aside but I have confidence in you). GO SANTA!!
Your miracle believin' pal,
Freddie
 
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