returm like a bad penny

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jack barnes

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Has anyone here had this happen to them and what did you do about it?
About 2 or 3 monthes ago my 38 year old step son returned here and doesn't work. The wife feel it her fault because he's having some social problems. I think he just needs to grow up. He stays up all nite messing around in my shop without asking, sleeps all day.

Thanks Jack
 
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[:D]My 28 year old step son moved in with us 14 months ago. He is only going to be here untill he gets back on his feet or we go broke, which ever comes first.[V] I don't mind though, he keeps the yard work done and works a full time job plus overtime. He's a good guy, just ran into some bad luck. Good luck Jack and hang in there.
 
There are many reasons that this happens, and as a dad, try and figure out what the problem is. It might be the need to grow up, it might be a need for a good father/son talk, it might be drugs, it might be something else. Not to scare you but it could be a 1 in a million slow growing tumor. The point is that one reason does not fit all.

He is your son. Talk to him, father to son, man to man. Sometimes being tough is what is necessary! Sometimes, compassion, sometimes, medical help. Ignoring it is not the best by any means. If you are not one who communicates well in this kind of situation, get your wife, a friend or minister/ counselor.
 
Get some marbles and put them in the freezer. In the morning when it's time to get up and look for a job put them in bed with him. No matter how hard he tries to get away from them they will continue to rool to the low spot of the bed (where he is laying). That is what I do when one of mine won't get up for school. Sure helps them out.

The longer you allow it to happen the worse it gets. I can show you proof with a couple of cousins I have. Just remember it is not you or your wifes problem and you are not at fault. He is a man. We all have our problems, but we continue to do what we are suppose to do.
 
my 21 yr old son also moved back home to "get back on his feet" seems the only thing his is managing to get back on though are my nerves.Best of luck to you.
 
Originally posted by leehljp
<br />There are many reasons that this happens, and as a dad, try and figure out what the problem is. It might be the need to grow up, it might be a need for a good father/son talk, it might be drugs, it might be something else. Not to scare you but it could be a 1 in a million slow growing tumor. The point is that one reason does not fit all.

He is your son. Talk to him, father to son, man to man. Sometimes being tough is what is necessary! Sometimes, compassion, sometimes, medical help. Ignoring it is not the best by any means. If you are not one who communicates well in this kind of situation, get your wife, a friend or minister/ counselor.
Click to expand...

Hank, back up and re-read the post. Jack states that this is his step son. This creates a difficult minefield for the step parent. Jack and his wife need to be on the same page before he can do anything.
 
Eat all the food in the house over the next few days. When the food is gone, get the wife and go out to eat every night leave him at home. DO NOT RESTOCK the refrigerator with anything. See how long he goes without food or Cokes or beer, etc. When he says something about it THEN let it be known what you and the wife expect. If she continues to feel sorry for him, change the bank account, take your hard earned money under your total control, get a BIG safe and put all your valuables in it (maybe ought to do that right now), and let THEM support each other. Hard nosed, but you will get results. [}:)]

IF drugs are a problem for him you will begin to find missing valuables ... money, jewelry, weapons, etc. If he is just depressed then get professional help NOW for him. [:)]

BTW, Good Luck to ya!
 
I must think a little differently than most, but the part about him staying up and tinkering around in YOUR shop at night really would raise my hackles, should it happen to me. I can promise you that it would happen about one night in a row, then Chicken Little would be vindicated! That is YOUR shop---not the city park! Pitch a STINK---and the sooner, the better!
 
Well, Jack, I don't know if you want to hear this - but maybe it'd be inspiration to DO SOMETHING.
[:(!]
7 years ago my niece showed up on my doorstep with her 8yo daughter. She "had no place to go. (That meant she'd warn out her welcome by friends 2 counties away and I was her last hope. I let her stay 2 months. She had to legally change her residence records, get into a job or training program and make sure her child was registered and going to school.

At the end of those two months, the job/training program was the only thing not done. I told her she had to leave. She went crying to a couple who are my dearest and oldest friends.

long story short? She's still there. No job. Child dropped out of high school. Never paid them rent . . yada.

Tell your stepson that he needs a job by____; needs to have an appt w shrink by ____; put a lock on your shop and everything else of value and find give him a deadline. Don't back down. And at his age, tell your wife he's had over half his life developing this way of life - he's culpable, not her!
 
I'm 42. I can't imagine moving back in with my parents 4 years ago.

It's one thing if he were trying to get back on his feet, but it looks like he just wants to sponge off of you for a while. Set deadlines for progress and be firm if he doesn't meet them.
 
I'm 36 and I can't imagine moving in with my parents in 2 yrs. Chances are he is a lifer at this type of lifestyle. Does he have an education or skills. If not, why should he improve his life if he can get away with what he is doing. Put a vault door on the shop
 
Jack,

This would be VERY tough for me. I love my son and would "overlook" many things to avoid a confrontation.

If you are similarly disposed, there IS ONE suggestion that I think I WOULD AND COULD do. Remove the circuit breaker for my shop, when I went to bed. Take it to your room. Lights, tools - nothin works when he ventures in.

Could START a productive conversation. Or, he COULD pitch a fit and leave (oh, darn!!)

Just a thought.[:)][:)]
 
We have some good friends whose marriage is on the rocks because his stepdaughter and her son moved in with them. She won't get a car. Grandparents have to chauffeur her to work, boy to school, etc. She is dirty, won't clean her room or help around the house. Only solution is to kick her out but mom won't do it. He has about had it. We fear a divorce is imminent. Too bad, nice folks. This seems to be a trend these days. Other friends had all three of their sons (all in their 40s) move back in.
 
Jack
Originally posted by jack barnes
...The wife feel it her fault because he's having some social problems.
Click to expand...
This is called being an enabler -- she's enabling him to be a leech and a lazy shiftless person instead of being a productive, contributing adult.
Y'all may wish to seek counseling; it's often easier for someone [nee, the LOYL] to accept these criticisms from a third-party professional than from a family member such as yourself.
Other than that, I like three suggestions: cold marbles, Ed's idea to take the main breaker, and Fred's idea to empty thy fridge. And you can send the Bourbon and whiskey to me for safe storage. [}:)] [:D]

Good luck.
 
1. Everyone needs some help every now and then.
2. You cant help someone who wont help themselves.

Good luck with your decision, (in the short term lock up your stuff)
 
Jack, when my wife and I got together we had almost the same problem with a few different twists. Before my step son moved in there were rules established. There was a time frame established for a job and his own place. At that time my shop was in a seperated building so I didn't face that problem. He wasn't taking care of business so I found him a job working in a junk yard. They stored wrecked and burned cars and trucks for the insurance industry. They had to have on site security, 24 hours a day. They had a large RV trailor for houseing for the security guard.
The first night on the job he call at about 3:00AM and said the wind was blowing and he could not sleep in the trailor, he wanted to come home. I told him he could quit the job and leave, he just could not move back into our home. He went through five years of living off of people and odd jobs. Now he has finally got himself a good job and has gotten his life together.
As other have said, you have got to give him rules and stick to them.
Good luck to you.
 
I want to thank everyone for responding. Let me say this kid has a very high IQ, is not on any drugs and worked at a shop that made high end custom furniture for 14 years. He quit, then had a fight with his father got arrested and my wife bailed him out. I told her let his a-- stay there. Hitting a 60 year old man is unforgiveable.
Here is what I'm going to do, I'm going to the bank my next day off and take out equal amounts of money for all 3 kids then I'm going to figure out what it cost us since he's been here then deduct that amount from his share. I'm going to tell him to pick a place where he would like to live and buy him a ticket to get there. He'll have enough money to to last about 6 mouthes and thats the last he'll ever get. I'm giving the other 2 money because it's only right. They have it all together for them selfs.

Thanks Jack
 
Jack,

I REALLY hope it works.

However, as a betting man, I would lay odds you could call that your "downpayment" on a very long mortgage.

IF he gets a chunk of money now, he will be back for MORE!!!

Make sure your WIFE agrees wholeheartedly with your plan - someday it will try to "bite your butt".

I TRULY DO wish you luck.
 
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