Question for those that have retired

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cowchaser

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Some background basically is my father retired 2 weeks ago. He spent 42 years in power plants doing shift work. He has only had 2 jobs in his life both in power plants. The last being 28 years. His first job he worked nights and evenings, going to high school and a few years in college. He is 58 years old and will turn 59 in a few weeks. If he touches his retirement before he turns 59 1/2 he must pay a penalty. Basically he does not have to work and has enough savings other than retirement to get him by comfortably until he can start drawing his retirement. He went to work for my cousin at a security company working 4 hours a day (he just won't stay home).

Needless to say he is lost. He says he just don't feel like it's him and he don't fit in. He feels like he went from having responsibility to nothing. I think he feels like he is not needed anymore. Is this normal? Does anyone have any suggestions? He doen't hunt, fish or anything like what we do here. I just don't know what to do to help him. It's like he is in culture shock. He doesn't have hobbies or anything like that.

So when the rest of you retired did this type of thing happen to you? Was there something someone did that helped you out? I just hate to see him this way. He has been there for me all my life and I want to help him.
 
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My retirement experience was a lot different than your fathers. But, what he is going through is common. He probably won't listen to advice since most of his life he didn't need any. But, if he is willing to consider what lies ahead for him, he needs to join a club or two. Get active in some type of productive avocation. Woodworking/turning/carving is excellent. Church work is great. OTOH, I do see a lot of retirees who just draw the curtains and vanish from the world because they no longer feel useful. That is sad but common. Your father needs to see he has many active and happy years ahead of him if he will just take advantage of the time he now has available. I am 69 years old. Since retiring, I have written three novels, am working on a third, have sold a number of magazine articles, I do woodworking/turning, serve on a State board, active in Shrine club, advise people on long term care in nursing homes and more. I hunt, ride an ATV, belong to a shooting club, do historical reenactment, and more. We spend time with family and grandchildren. I have never been busier and definitely am still useful and enjoying life. If he uses it right, the best time of his life is just beginning. Good luck to you all.
 
Hi,I`ll be retired for 1yr in jan.Don`t know where i ever found the time to work in the first place,but i am 63 your dad is 58 5 yrs.is a big difference in your mind set,i was ready,maybe your dad wasn`t just yet.Be patiant,remember dads have been callin the shots and got it right many times,he will get it right this time as well. Carl
 
Your dad spent 42 years working toward one goal, retirement. Now that he's reached that goal, he doesn't have any other goal in sight. This is very common. It is unfortunately also quite common for newly retired people to become very depressed, especially those whose identity was tied to their work and didn't have outside interests. I don't know how you can convince him convince him that he needs something else to focus on, but it's important that he find something.
 
All of the previous posts about having a goal are right on the money. But, I'd like to add another thought to the mix. It's not just a matter of having a goal ... more importantly, it's the thought of feeling useful and valued. As individuals, we all want to feel valued and treasured. Maslow has it right when he talks about authenticity.

Anyway, here's my advice. Sit down with your dad and make a list of his strengths ... all of the things that he is good at doing, his talents, his skills, and his interests. Then think about situations where he can volunteer those strengths. One really good way would be to go to a local elementary school and talk to the principal. Public schools can always use volunteer help. Maybe a first grade teacher needs some benches to be built or book cases. Or, better yet ... maybe he can go to a kindergarten class and read to the kids. I'm a professor in teacher education and I'm always in the schools. Believe me when I tell you that there is nothing that is as much fun as having a bunch of first graders hang all over you while you're reading a book to them.

Or, maybe he can get involved with Habitat for Humanity. Right now, at this very minute, there are a thousand different organizations or schools who would love to have your dad's help.

Please tell him that he's in such a fortunate position ... he has enough moola to live on ... he's freed up from the obligations of a job ... and now he is in a great position to help some other human beings. I believe firmly that we are put on earth to serve. [:)]
 
The feeling of self worth comes from being good at something. I agree with Shannon. Meet the pen lathe, or figure out silver casting, or create mokume gane, or whatever. He'll find lots of other people with similar interests, and he'll find that there's tons to do and learn. He'll be more in control of his direction and happiness and not feel so out of place.
 
The problem starts with a mind set of retiring FROM work. Instead of retiring FROM something, it is important to retire TO something. Recreation, service, skill development, acquisition of knowledge...heck, there are millions of things to retire TO. Pick one and see if it works. If not, pick another... and another... until he finds a new passion.
 
Heck send him out here----We are so far behind he wont have time to be bored. Will he work for room and board[:)]
Or
The advice you are getting is very ture---he has to get busy at something----and it really makes very little difference what it is. Oh, make it something he can do--
 
Originally posted by LostintheWoods
<br />"Dad, meet pen lathe....Pen lathe, meet Dad." 'nuff said.
Click to expand...

I don't know, chaser, you may not want to introduce him to your pen lathe, you may never get back on it.

A good twist on Lost's suggestion might go something like "Dad, meet my five favorite catalogs...catalogs, meet Dad". heh

Hey, it's Christmas time, too, maybe you can give him a little list for you, you know, since he's paying for shipping anyways, maybe just a little thing or two...[}:)]
 
Thank you everyone. One of the problems is that he has been so busy working and providing he never took the time to have friends. When he was off he just sat home. I unfortunately am heading down this same path, so maybe I can learn something here also. He spent most of his time when he was off taking care of my mother who has extreme heart disease and has recently lost a lung. He never would go on vacation after my brother and I left because he was afraid something might happen. I think I'll go and buy them some airline tickets to somewhere and tell him to have a good time and think about what he see's for him and mom in the future while they both still can.
 
Dustin,
I have not retired, But am no stranger to life changes. 2 weeks is not a lot of time to adjust from a 42 year lifestyle. My Father retired last year from a job that was his identity. My whole family saw it coming and we talked about it before he even left his job. He cannot set still but has no hobbies or activities other than golf. Golfing only fills a small portion of the time he has on his hands, It took a few months but he has filled the rest of his time to his satisfaction. He has picked up odd part time jobs. started making new friends, will even go back to his place of employment and visit old friends. I do not really know the whole list of what he has found but he has adjusted just fine. That you are paying attention is a great thing, hopefully he will only need a little time to whittle the peg to fit a new hole.
 
Give him abit of time Cowchaser but also give him support. I think a hobby- have no idea what [:D][}:)]- would be just the ticket.
He is obviously not aversa to work and learning. Perhaps he could do extra study just for its own intrinsic value, or per haps help out with adult education classes, do Meals on Wheels.
 
First thing that came to my mind was volunteer work. DocStram had said it with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Self Actualization, or personal growth and fulfillment are the pinnacle of the pyramid. Giving to others through volunteer work fits this category.
 
Lou is so right, I was 63 when I retired 8 yrs ago. Of the 7 coworkers closest in age to me (I worked with these people for 35 yrs)only two of us are left. None had prior health issues to my knowledge. IMO it was because they retired from a sometimes stressful job with a lot of responsibity and did not stay active, as Lou put it retire to something.

Originally posted by DCBluesman
<br />The problem starts with a mind set of retiring FROM work. Instead of retiring FROM something, it is important to retire TO something. Recreation, service, skill development, acquisition of knowledge...heck, there are millions of things to retire TO. Pick one and see if it works. If not, pick another... and another... until he finds a new passion.
[/quote]
 
Originally posted by DCBluesman
<br />The problem starts with a mind set of retiring FROM work. Instead of retiring FROM something, it is important to retire TO something. Recreation, service, skill development, acquisition of knowledge...heck, there are millions of things to retire TO. Pick one and see if it works. If not, pick another... and another... until he finds a new passion.
Click to expand...

BINGO!
 
I also agree with Lou and I have another suggestion.

Before my dad passed away he was in a nursing home. When he first got there he became very depressed and the staff suggested I bring in my dogs when I came to see him on the weekends to see if they would stimulate him . When I did bring the dogs he was a different person. He was happy and wanted to get out of bed. He particularly liked my old orange dog because Zebo is the happy-go-lucky type that would literally climb up on your lap if you let him. When I would see him on Wednesdays he would ask if I brought the dogs and would look forward to the weekends when the dogs would come.

What I'm trying to say is perhaps your dad needs a companion who depends on him. A dog or a cat that will always be there and show love and affection. I know that every weekend the staff would ask if I would walk the dogs around so that the other residents would have a chance to see them and the dogs loved the attention that they received. I've seen those dogs bring about some changes for the better in the residents and I still stop buy from time to time to walk the dogs around. It is amazing the changes an animal can have on an older person.



Food for thought.

P.S. If you do decide to get an animal for company please consider adopting one from a shelter. They seem to give extra love and affection, and they deserve another chance at a good life.
 
I think it's important that you know what's going on with your dad. You can't force him to do anything. If he doesn't want to get on a plane and go somewhere, that's probably not a good idea.
Most men's identities, like it or not, are directly tied to their jobs. When they leave the job, they lose a big part of their identity and, consequently, a big part of their self-worth. That can be crushing.
A lot of guys don't live through it.
I think this will require an investment from you of time. Time to gently help him see that he has meaning and relevance still. Encouragement to find something he likes to do (goals) and that he finds personally rewarding.
 
Yes, two weeks is very soon. He is still in shock. The alarm clock doesn't dictate his life anymore. The adjustment can be very difficult. A vacation, at least two weeks long, better three, and away, far away, from home is in order. He needs to clear his head. All the best to both of you.
 
Originally posted by cowchaser
<br />Some background basically is my father retired 2 weeks ago.....He went to work for my cousin at a security company working 4 hours a day (he just won't stay home).....

Needless to say he is lost....
Click to expand...

Dustin, I think I saw something in your post that no one else has keyed in on. It strikes me as odd that your dad went to work again just two weeks after retiring from one job.

I retired in May of 2006 at the age of 55 after 30 years with an aerospace company and couldn't wait to get out of Dodge, so we hopped in our RV and headed out on a tour of the country which took 14,000 miles and lasted 6 months. Upon returning home, I went out and filled my shop with turning tools and have never looked back or second guessed my decision to take an early retirement!

My point in mentioning this is that I had a plan, which I had thought out and planned for at least two years. I think I too would have been in a state of limbo had I just left work on a friday not knowing what the next monday had in store.

Second guessing your decision to retire and worrying if you did the right thing are common from what I hear especially from those who retired in their 50's.

I think getting away from home is what really helped me realize that I was finally free. Why not suggest a nice little trip to get him away from his regular surroundings so he will realize there is a great big world of changes out there for him to enjoy.
 
Without knowing his father, solid advice is difficult. Humans are creatures of habit. Some people simply never are able to break the mold. e.g. change their mindset about going to work every day. We live in a retirement community. Even though I am now in the retirement age bracket, we have been here since I was in my early 30's. That has given us much opportunity to observe. I can tell you, first hand, some never adjust, others see retirement as the beginning to new life experiences. I have seen men, many times, who get up in the morning, put on a white shirt, tie and suit then just sit all day. Before retirement they put on the suit and went to the office. With no office, they just sit. Some do this until the day they die. With time, if cowchaser's father doesn't find a new, productive avocation, he should be urged to get professional counseling. He has the opportunity for many wonderful years ahead of him. It would be a shame to waste them.
 
These are the best days of my life. I retired last January but I cheated,I still go into work Monday tru Wedensday from 6AM-10 or 11AM which leaves me 6-7 hrs on those days to do honey do's,yard work and of course shop time. Then on Thursday-Sunday either shows or getting ready for shows or more shop time. I'm busier than I've ever been and enjoying every minuite of it.I guess what I'm trying to say is your Dad getting a part time job right after retiring is not a bad thing it is giving him a transition, now he needs to find something he and your Mom both enjoy during his off time.I'm lucky as the LOML enjoys going to shows and we plan to do more this year and by May will have to give up my part time job so we can travel farther away from home to shows. Your Dads intrest seems to be that he was the provider and now he's lost. He needs to find something that makes him feel justified in life and gives him some goals to reach.He has many great years ahead of him and hopefully with time he will find out this is the best years of his life.
 
Needless to say he is lost. He says he just don't feel like it's him and he don't fit in. He feels like he went from having responsibility to nothing. I think he feels like he is not needed anymore. Is this normal? Does anyone have any suggestions?
Click to expand...

Before I retired I knew of many men who were floundering about trying to adjust to the new life. So I prepared...

I got my woodworking shop in order.
I bought a metal detector and joined a club.
I began doing genealogical research and joined our local club.
I bought a pistol to do some target shooting.
I joined a Gold Prospecting club and got me some pans.
I bought a pen lathe.
I contacted old friends and co-workers to reconnect.
I joined several interesting hobby forums on the web (like this).
I became a board member of a local historical museum.
And I continue to explore new interests.

Bottom line is your Dad has to get out there and meet people. Join a club of any sort and you will surely connect with new friends.

Develop a hobby. I explored as many as I thought I might enjoy and if I didn't enjoy it, I tried something else.

There is still one great change that my wife and I try to keep in perspective. Our children are grown and married and we have grandchildren.

A subtle change in our relationships is that our children no longer Need us but rather Use us. Not a problem, just a change in roles.

Get out there and meet people and do stuff. Keep your mind active enjoy whatever you have. Life is good.
 
I havent retired, but I have seen my father, and my grandfather go through the retirement thing.

The most important thing I think in watching this twice, is to get the person to think about "What have YOU always wanted to do?". Most parents spend the time working the jobs, paying bills, keeping the kids out of trouble, and basically sacrificing for others. This is his time, and he should spend it the way he wants to. Ask him what he has always wanted to do, but didnt have the time. Support him in the activities, or maybe scope some things out that could spark an interest. I found out that the relationships with the retired family members can be much stronger than when they spent so much time at work, and I made sure that I spent more time with them. It is a very rewarding time as a child to see your parents succeed and reach this milestone. I hope you get to enjoy this time with your dad, and you can be involved in his free time.
 
I thought about this post in church yesterday. Our church is hosting a bunch of chain saw crews for the Baptist General Convention that have come in from other states to help with the clean up from the ice storms. The average age of these guys had to be 60+, and glad to be here to help out. Surely there is some sort of disaster relief organization that could use volunteers around. Just one thought. These guys were fun to talk to, great atitudes, and feel like they are the ones that receive the blessing from the work they do. And do it free of charge, starting with cases of limbs on houses, cars, and power lines first, then on to other clean up stuff. I have also enjoyed the folks that volunteer at hospitals to take patients from check in to where they need to be. These are a couple of things I consider when thinking of retirement, though I still have many years (well, at least 15 or so) to go, and if I am unable to continue in turning or making widgets for some reason.
 
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