personal rant - marriage is over

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babyblues

babyblues

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Mar 8, 2007
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Location
Portland, ME, USA.
personal rant - marriage problems

This really sucks. My wife brought some money to our marriage and offered it as a down payment for our house. Ever since she has used that down payment against me. She thinks that she's the only one that contributed money to the house (even though I financed the rest with a mortgage in my name alone), that she has been the one to support us (even though she withholds money from her job and I contribute all of my paychecks to our finances) and that I'm using her. The situation has become completely unlivable. We fight all the time. She tells me that she hates me and never apologizes. She lectures me for hours and baits me into arguments, then when they boil over, she plays the victim and throws me under the bus. I can't believe someone can be so unreasonable to live with. She is the most contentious person I know. Now, she's insisting that we're going to sell the house. She has a friend call me and talk to me about it because she was afraid we'd get into a fight over it. She says that she doesn't want to take legal action. She wants the down payment back and to get a place of her own. I say fine, good riddance. If that money means more to her than her marriage, than get the hell out. Sorry, but I feel so hurt and frustrated right now.
 
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Get a lawyer, dude! The situation is too emotionally charged for either of you to think rationally about it. Even if it doesn't go to court, let a "hired gun" do the negotiating.
 
I'm with Bob on this one, get a lawyer.

My only other advice is to try not to let your attitude regarding this unfortunate event slip over into the rest of your life and those that surround you.
 
Maybe a marriage counselor???

You (plural) loved each other enough to get married. What changed?

(I am divorced, nearly 30 years ago - but we DID go through this process and had good answers to the above questions, BEFORE the divorce was final.)
 
I'm sorry you are stuck in this. Go for both of the above suggestions--counseling (think of it as preventative for a possible next time) and a lawyer to protect your assets, past present and future, as well as rights to any children.

Above all, don't do anything stupid! She can ( and may well) use it against you in court!
 
I know what you're going through. I have been divorced twice. The counseling suggestion is a good one if you have kids to consider. You can go together of if separate if necessary.

If there aren't kids to consider however... It's only stuff that can be replaced and not worth the agrivation in my opinion. I started over twice.
 
With the market the way it is, you might want to try the counseling route. Either way, good luck and hopefully you have a good support system close to you. And I agree with the lawyer thing.
 
Sorry for any one that finds them selves in your respective positions. If you really think it was over money, I would offer to find a way to get the down payment money together and get it to her.

I had heated discussions with my wife over money but not "our money". My wife was always griping about the inequality of pay between men and women.
I told her I agreed it was wrong but I could only right the situation for people that were involved with me, That I was not interested in becoming a crusader.

I arranged for equal pay in my house hold, She got the same amount of spending money I did after we paid all the bills. After all we decided to share our lives, that includes good times, bad times and certainly the assets and or debts that you both accumulate on the way.

I suspect the money is not the main reason for the argument. If you are interested in trying to salvage your life togeter, get some one to help "peel the onion" and find out what is really causing this strife.
If not, get a lawyer and bail - LIFE IS TO SHORT TO LIVE IT IN MISERY...YOU BOTH HAVE A RIGHT TO HAPPINESS.
 
Get a lawyer, a tape recorder (for your phone conversations), and one of those little GPS trackers that you can stash in the car and then pick it up and it will tell you the routes taken. A buddy of mine took that advice and found out that his wife, who was acting like he was a the reason of their seperation, was actually seeing a boat captain in a town about 60 miles from the town they live in. He found out the guys name, address, where his boat is kept and lots more. He made life very unpleasent for both of them both legally, socially as well as financially. He sued both for alienation of affection or soemthign like that. He sent CD's of her talking dirty to the other guy to her boss and family. I think he even handed a couple CD's to the some of the local boat mechanics in the town the other guy lived in.

My buddy said that it ripped his heart out when she said she was leaving him but the actions he took softened the blow. Like he put it "Like a velvet covered brick hitting him".

Best of luck either working it out or walking out!
 
Joe G said:
Sorry for any one that finds them selves in your respective positions. If you really think it was over money, I would offer to find a way to get the down payment money together and get it to her.

I had heated discussions with my wife over money but not "our money". My wife was always griping about the inequality of pay between men and women.
I told her I agreed it was wrong but I could only right the situation for people that were involved with me, That I was not interested in becoming a crusader.

I arranged for equal pay in my house hold, She got the same amount of spending money I did after we paid all the bills. After all we decided to share our lives, that includes good times, bad times and certainly the assets and or debts that you both accumulate on the way.

I suspect the money is not the main reason for the argument. If you are interested in trying to salvage your life togeter, get some one to help "peel the onion" and find out what is really causing this strife.
If not, get a lawyer and bail - LIFE IS TO SHORT TO LIVE IT IN MISERY...YOU BOTH HAVE A RIGHT TO HAPPINESS.
Click to expand...
Yeah, now that I have had a chance to calm down, I've decided to refinance the house and get "her" money back to her. If it's going to be such a point of contention that she's going to threaten to move out because of it, than she can have it. I have called a counselor, but it's hard to remain optimistic because we've talked to counselors many times in the past and nothing comes of it.
 
When you reimburse her, do it by check (proof).

Sounds like you will be in divorce court eventually, no point in making this payment twice.
 
Sounds like hard times...

If the argument is over money, then giving her the money back by registered cheque should solve it. Sounds like it goes deeper than this, however.

The whole concept of making someone's life unpleasant through blackmail, GPS tracking invading their privacy, recording their conversations with others, etc, is downright awful, however. It doesn't matter how much someone has hurt you; to destroy their happiness to that extreme is unforgivable!

Andrew
 
I would talk to a lawyer long before I tried to give her the money back for the down payment. You would want to find out how much you have put into the house and what it is currently worth vs what you guys bought it for and how much money she has stashed. It's quite possible that she wants this money back and that the money that she has saved is a considerable amount that you are entitled to share in.

Did I mention to see a lawyer first? The last thing you want to do is get suckered into thinking things are smoothing out and then get hit with papers and a cleaned out bank account.
 
If there aren't any children, and she is that obsessed with money, if you can get a loan to give her back HER SHARE do it . Selling a house right now is a sucker bet, If she hates you, give her reason to Sue her for divorce, take preemptive action, I've been married 36 years this time 1st one stuck it to me and I learned a lot, 2nd one got a rude awakening. My wife and I don't, have not, and will never fight over something as inconsequential as money. that was the first twos mistake.
 
Could be I'm missing something here. Your nagging Bitch of a wife is leaving and she wants her money back. Give it to her and get on with it. ( I'm on my 4th wife so I know the ropes ) Unless you are waaayyyy over mortgaged you will be far ahead and a huge pain in the life will be gone. If you are over mortgaged sign a Quit Claim Deed and get out NOW. A half smart lawyer can help with the deed.
 
If she is wanting to move out now... the she may have already cut another pony from the herd.
 
Get conseling. If you want to keep the marriage, get her involved, also.

Beyond that, my only advise is for people not to be so stupid to try to keep their finances seperate after marriage. That's a sure road to angst. If a person doesn't trust their spouse with their money, they shouldn't get married. Also, if a couple tries to live thier lives together while attempting to keep their incomes seperate and their bills segregated, they aren't married. They're roomates with 'benefits'.

My only other thought is that I don't understand why anyone would air their dirty laundry in a public forum.
 
Frank and Steve, many of us, including me, consider this group to be somewhat of a cyber-family. If you have no one to vent to in person, and venting to the group helps, I see no reason not to do so. I have people in which I confide that I have never met in person. I consider them, and they know who they are, to be a wonderful support system. If babyblues finds it comforting to post as he has, I hope he continues to share with us.

As far as spying on a spouse, unless you have felt the unimaginable hurt and deception of having a spouse cheat on you, you don't know what you might do. I resisted a few temptations when it happened to me, but don't deny I was seriously tempted to seek revenge.
 
If the marriage is over and divorce is looming 1. get a lawyer 2. keep in mind that divorce is about two things emotions and money, put your emotions aside and consentrate on the money, deal with your emotions later.
 
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