Need some advice from cancer survivors

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low_48

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This is kinda personal, but after reading Tom's post I saw that several of you have either been through cancer, or had a spouse that fought the battle, or similar......... My little brother (47 years old) has been battling stage IV colon cancer. He was diagnosed last April with tumors in his colon, several in his liver, and a lung. He did not have surgery because of all the tumors. His treatment may not be going well. He is really looking tough and seems to be in some pretty bad pain, though he wouldn't admit it. We had some serious talks the few months after the diagnosis, but after our last visit last Sunday, I need some advice. We were not close as kids because he was 8 years younger than me. How do I support him? What kind of talking do you want to hear when the battle may not be going well? Do you get tired of talking about the fight and really just want to talk about something, or anything else? I tried to get him laughing as much as possible, and thought that might be what he wanted, but is it really? Do you want to talk about death, or is that the last thing you want to talk about? I know each persons spirituality is different, but does it help to talk about the end of life, or not? Any insight would really be helpful. Thanks for the help guys, I'm kinda at a loss on how to help him. We were the pretty strong German background family. Absolutely no male hugging if you know what I mean. I hugged my kids everyday, but have yet to build up the courage to hug my brother. Will it convey the idea that I know he is in real trouble, or do you think he will appreciate it? I'm really at a loss here..........
 
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Richard .... there are so many variables to consider. Does the oncologist have a counselor or therapist on staff? That would be the person I would turn to for advice.
 
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My Dad died 5 years ago due to cancer. It took 6 years form the initial diagnosis, even thought the doctors gave him only one. Those where the best years of his life due to the friendships he had and all that he accomplished in that time. I only started to get really close to him towards the end, but those last hugs meant so much. I wish I would have talked to him more.
 
Richard -

My 49-year old brother, Peter, died from colon cancer back in 2003. February 24 was the anniversary of his death. He was diagnosed the November prior, so, as a family, we didn't have much time to prepare for his death. Peter, of course, had known for about a year before he ever saw a doctor that he was seriously ill. He chose to ignore his symptoms until the cancer had advanced too far.

My family is scattered geographically, but we went to visit him about a month before he died. Good times. We talked about whatever Peter wanted to talk about. The specter of death was obvious and he had made his peace with that already, so we didn't discuss it directly. We spent our time reminiscing, and that was agreeable with him. He was in good spirits during the several days we were with him and we left him that way.

We are a hugging family, so that part came naturally and easily to us. Whatever will happen will happen and you cannot control that. You can, however, make sure you have no regrets for not having said things you wanted to say to your brother.

Best wishes to you, your brother and your family as you cope with this difficult time.
 
Richard,

First, I am sorry to hear about this news and will say a prayer for you too.

I think it depends on your brother and you just have to "feel" what he likes to do and talk about.

My dad died of cancer (brain tumors) that slowly took his mobility, proper sense of taste (everything is sweet), hearing, then sight. I cannot imagine how horrific it was for him but he loved talking to us over the phone though it went one-way later on. We are here in the US and he is in the Philippines and I never saw him during his last months. Our last communications were done through my siblings, they write what we have to say and he responds by talking to us. He stayed "hopeful" but turned bitter in the end because of the isolation (can't move, taste properly, hear, then went blind). He became cranky but we all understood why.

Though we didn't talk about it, he actually prepared a notebook on how his funeral should go...every detail of it like the route of the hearse, how our pictures should be taken with the order of siblings, where he is to buried (and how my mom when she follows should be buried next to him), what music to play etc.

We too are not a hugging family but he appreciated all the hugs we gave him last time I met him. We also do not say "I love you" much (almost never) but our last communications were filled with it both from him and us.

Sorry, have to go....tears won't stop flowing...
 
Richard

My suggestion is just do it. It will be the shock of his life and you never know.

I heard a saying years ago and I may not remember it word for word but here it is.

"The only thing in life we regret are the chances we don't take."

My friend don't regret not taking the chance to mend and give him that hug.

Tom
 
My Mom is a breast cancer survivor. I remember the time when it wasn't certain she would be a survivor. She lives in Florida, I am in Maryland. We spent a lot of time on the phone. The happiest I ever saw her was when I showed up to take her to one of her chemo appointments
(3 hours from home, she couldn't drive (her sister and brother live nearby and usually took her but were both out of town)).

Take every opportunity to see him. Take every opportunity to hug him, touch him, talk to him or just sit together. His knowing that he has your support and love will mean more than you can imagine. It is much easier to get over the "embarrassment" of being touchy-feely than the regret of not saying or doing something you need to.
 
Richard, I know how I would deal with it. But to tell you is nearly impossible. I wish I could be there and jsut show you. It is not what you say or do, it is how you say it or do it. I will warn you to not try and act anything. If you want to knwo somehting ask it, If you want to talk about it bring it up. This does not mean ignore how he responds but your questions, concerns and honest conversation will come across better than anything. Sometimes it takes realizing we are not everything, and maybe the best place to be is in the background. I lost a sister in law to colon cancer. One of our last converstions just a few days before she passed was about my pens. I simply talked to her about and how I was comfortable. If she wanted to talk about worries, fears, or whatever I was willing to talk to her about it. She left 4 young adult children and that was her greatest regret. We talked alot about them, she helped me understand them, and she knew I was willing to be there for them after she was gone. We talked about that specifically. It has ben tough since her death. 2 of the 4 kids have since gotten divorced. One had a real shaky time with his marriage but it is looking up for the time being. one has joined the army and at least pointed in the right direction. It has been tough and will continue to be. But I know one thing that gave my sister in law peace near the end was that I made a promise that she knew I would keep. Illness is a horrible thing, it is OK to act like it is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you get some inspiration about how to be with your brother. I want to tell you one more thing, I am not sure it will mean anything to you but I will say it anyway.
there is a difference between "being" for someone and doing for someone. Your brother needs you to "be" for him through this. He does not necessarily need you to do for him. My wife and I have been through several horridly trematic times in our lives. We have lost a child when he was only 3 months old. two months later she lost her father. she nursed her sister and her mother as they died. I have often ahd to stay very near her but remain hands off until she began to fall. It is a since that I have been able to hone. I am there for her but do not do for her. I allow her to choose what she will and will not do. then I am left in the position to back her up. that can get pretty nerve racking when she does things I feel at a loss at but I know my place and I stay there. Like I said it is very hard to try and explaine, but it is simply a way of being. being there for them whatever that means.
 
I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

20 years ago I went through cancer twice, two major surgeries and 6 months of intense chemotherapy. I was in stage two with one cancer and stage three of the second when the diagnosis was made. I was single and living alone.


My parents treated me like I was dying and would not tell people that I was in this battle. Some of my syblings did not come to visit or even call. This was the worst support I could have had, they lived in Montreal and I alone in Toronto.

The best support came from my friends who did not treat me like I was sick, they spoke straight with me, they did not treat me like they were avoiding me...they made me feel normal even though I felt I wasn't. While in the hospital they allowed me to bring my TV from home and I had it on mostly hockey games as it was the playoffs in 1988. A lot of friends came over and we watched the games in my room together....even snuck in a beer or two...it allowed me to have fun, talk about any thing with every one and I did not feel isolated, to this day it's still one of my strongest memories.

My message to you is keep it normal, talk a lot, make it fun for as much as it can be, these are your chances to make it a healing time and share special thoughts...find some common ground and make it happen.....doing so gave me my life back....God bless your family.. and make sure there is laughter:)
 
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