Is this funny??? PLEASE POST....... LONG

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RAdams

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After some prodding by my wife and myself, I have decided to take the first step in actaully going through with the whole stand up comedy thing... I have started a stand up set. I actually have another one that I wrote a while back but i don't know where it is off hand, so while it was fresh on my mind, I started a new one based on my recent bus ride home. I could probably write a couple of hours worth of material just on the experience, so i figured it was a good place to start...


Please don't steal my skit, or repost it as someone other than mine. You can use the jokes, just don't claim it as your own please...

If you read it, please tell me what you think... good or bad. If it is offensive, tell me. If it made you smile and nothing more, let me know! If you laughed like a school kid, speak up!!! Tell me what parts you liked, and what parts you thought were too boring and need help. Any input before i go to the comedy club on open mic night and make a fool of myself would be great!!!



Here it is::: (Cleaned up a bit for the family site!!)


Hey, How's it going?

I just took a cross country bus ride recently. Anyone ever ride the bus cross country? What a trip that was. Especially the Memphis bus station, Anyone ever been to Memphis? I am thinking the Memphis bus station has to be the biggest tourism departemnt nightmare in the universe. I tried to walk around the building to smoke a cigarette and the police stopped me in my tracks. "Excuse me white boy, where you going? The smoking area is in the back of the building"... "Well I'll just walk around to there"... "NO, You won't. Go back inside and go through the appropriate door to the smoking area."
At first i just thought the cop was trying to be a tool, but when i went through the building to the appropriate door, I realized he just saved my life. The security guards and police were set up like the Dallas Cowboys Offensive line around the smoking area. You could actually see crackheads lurking in the shadows. If you got to close to the "Outskirts of the perimeter", they would come run up on you.... "Hey man, Are you a Producer or something?"... "What?"... "I just seen you wearing headphones and thought you was a music producer or something man"... "Yeah dude, I produce music and i am riding the flipping greyhound."... "Ah man, I knew you was a producer... Can i get a contract man, I can sing like Justin Timberlake"......(high pitch singing) "I want a contract mister producer dude..... with your tattoos..... cause daddy needs some new shoes"

Riding the bus SUCKS BAD. You are cramped up in the little seat, praying at every stop that the bus doesn't fill up to the point where you hear those dreaded words... "Is that your bag"... "Dang it" you think to yourself as you grab your bag out of the only shot at anything similar to comfort... also known as the empty seat beside you, so mister truck driver trainee, mississippi backwoods, good ole boy, never missed a meal, takes up the entire empty seat... and half of yours. You sigh a breath of relief as he sits down and you think to yourself "Thank Goodness, He took a shower and used deodorant for the big bus ride!!" Then, As you are pulling up to the bus station at the end of that leg of the trip, you realize the bag of Skunk Butt this guy had for breakfast has finally caught up with him as he slips you the ole Silent but Violent.

It's like these people go right past 8 empty seats looking for a little skinny dude like me to sit next to. The tattoos wont even scare em away. Luckily my Doctor Dre headphones kept most of his breath in a cloud on his chest and out of my face.

... I was just sleeping like a frightened baby crawled up in a ball in the two seat compartment during one leg of the trip, when i vaguely hear the words in what sound almost angelic and all penetrating "Does anyone on board have any aspirin". I jumped up confused and lost..... "Oh crap, God has a headache"... Luckily for me I wasn't the only one digging for some advil with a really worried look (throw in a goofy face while digging in invisible bag)... Luckily it was just the driver of the bus. Of course that was right after the Memphis experience, so i kinda thought maybe God had a headache from all the excitement from protecting that little dude with the jewish hat thing. I thought those dudes was gonna eat that guy for a snack, but by some miracle, he was still mostly alive when his bus left the terminal.
 
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No offense, but I did not think it was very funny. I am not a good judge of that as I really am not a fan of comedy. That said, delivery is everything! If you are animated and connect well with your crowd, they will love you. If your delivery is lifeless and monotone they will probably throw wet slimy food particles your way.
 
It's hard to judge on paper, as 1dweeb said comedy is all in the delivery. The dude letting one fly is probably going to be a kicker with some animation on stage.

I commend you for wanting to take the spot light and put yourself out there.

Jesse
 
Delivery is defiantly key. For example, I love Ron White...know his act, got his book. Even though the book was his act, I thought the book sucked. Why? No delivery, no stage presence. So while some may not find the story you are telling "funny" it is how you will delivery it when you are on the stage. Don't give up!! I have been told I should be a stand up comedian, but I am good at cracking jokes on the spur of the moment. I don't think I could actually write up a routine. I think the fact you did this, is huge. Keep it up!
 
Having never ridden "the bus" and especially thru Memphis, you lost me in the first couple of lines. You might try just relating the story, not trying to draw the crowd into what is quite likely NOT a common shared experience.

Having said that, +1 on what the other guys said about delivery. We all know you're an amusing, creative guy, so you'll just have to find your rhythm on the stage and let your natural humor find it's place with the audience. My mom has done a standup routine for many years for her local Senior Follies group. She's found that a single word can impact a laugh ("avocado" vs "pear" is her illustration of that point), and even the crowd is a factor - what gets a snicker one night might get a belly laugh the next. So treat your audience with respect, even if they're stone cold stupid.

Actress Vivien Leigh said, "It's much easier to make people cry than to make them laugh." But again, delivery, delivery, delivery. So just go out and have fun!
 
With all those comments, who needs friends! Seriously, knowing Ron and his animation skills in a REGULAR conversation, I would bet that would knock most folks out. He is very good at the delivery aspect and have no doubt it would go over well. Makes me wish you still had your dreds.
 
I found it ok to read, it will be much better when delivered. The racial comments or insinuations are evenly spread it shows you hate everyone equally < just my joke> all that aside I think with the right delivery it will fly. Just remember nothing beats a try!!!
 
Sorry Ron. Didn't even get a smile outta me. I watch a lot of comedians and I'm not sure what kind of delivery would even help this. Sorry
 
Ok... I get the comdedy of it. Especially since I have ridden the bus through Memphis. Man that sucked. Memphis's bus terminal is truly a scary place. Ignore the negative comments. I am sure that if you had a good delivery and well animated with your story (some how you seem to be that type) it would go over well.
 
Ron, I agree with most here the delivery is he fact. I'd say that go for it. Most well known comedians were told that they suck, but now they suck other peoples money in their pocket. You got nothing to loose by trying it out, but if you give up now then you'll never know the experience. And, remember not every one laugh, because you don't know what's on their mind. but the few who do are worth the try.
 
To back up the "delivery" theme - look up sociolinguist Albert Mehrabian's theory of communication: our typical human communication consists of 7% content (the message), 38% vocal and 55% non-verbal (body language).

So engage the audience with eye contact & body language and draw them into your adventure!
 
Sounds like several of the bus stations I've been to. I greyhounded from Miami to LA once, and from North Carolina to LA with my pregnant wife. Ugh.

I think your bit could work. Needs a LOT of mirror time to fine tune your delivery. But you know that...
 
thanks everyone!! Even the negative comments! Like my fellow Okie, Will Rogers said, "You can't please em all". This feedback is exactly what i was looking for. I wrote this skit in about five minutes and it is the first draft. I wanted to get opinions for the second draft and so on. Now i know that people who have never rode the bus have never experienced trying to fight for the empty seat next to you so you can at least curl up in the fetal position instead of sitting straight up, and therefore would have a hard time relating to any jokes about it. This is all new to me, and i am learning as i go. I didn't read a book that teaches you how to write stand up comedy, I just started writing. Now i know I have to relate to the audience, and choose jokes accordingly.

I'm not gonna give up,,, but i'm not gonna quit my day job either. I would love to post a youtube video of me doing this skit for everyone, but i have dialup and it would take me about 13.6 days to upload a 3 minute video.

I am sure my delivery would be suprisingly polished. By nature, I am animated and pretty exciteable, so my stage presence would be pretty good i think.

I will try to find the first skit i wrote and post it. In that skit, I do a "Slingblade" impression. I think it is actually a little better than this one. maybe not..... i dunno...
 
It got a smile out of me. Silent but violent...never of that, that was funny. When someone farts next to me I uasually say "I would rather burp and taste it than fart and waste it." Delivery is key, I look at comedians eyes and the crazier their eyes, with the out of the corner look, the harder I laugh. Good luck!
 
Just be sure you dress for the act... here is a suggestion for a costume that will likely make you a stand up comic hit....
 

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Ron I think it's funny, particularly the part about the Memphis Bus Terminal, I live way too close to Memfus (120 miles east of it) and like some have said the animation and delivery would really make or break it, I would keep my day job oops sorry:redface: but if any one has ridden a bus then they would most likely think it's good material.
 
TellicoTurning said:
Just be sure you dress for the act... here is a suggestion for a costume that will likely make you a stand up comic hit....
Click to expand...





At 6 feet tall and 135 pounds dressed, with boots on, I don't think i could pull that one off...
 
"I would love to post a youtube video of me doing this skit for everyone, but i have dialup and it would take me about 13.6 days to upload a 3 minute video."

A stand up routine about trying to upload that video with dial up would be great material. Any audience can relate to that, pair that with an animated wit that played off your audience and you would have an act worth seeing.
 
I did smile, but agree that delivery is the key. My wife is a very funny person. When she writes me sometimes I laugh out loud, not so much because the words are funny but because I can picture her saying it to me. The people who have commented that they know you and how your mannerisms are seem to think you could pull this off easily. Stand up is all about timing.
 
Loved the "Silent but Violent", but then anything that has to do with farting is funny to me. I guess im just simple minded, and love it! I have been on many bus rides, one thru memphis as well, and can definitely relate to what you are saying about that terminal. If this is something you want to pursue, then give it hell, you'll never know the outcome without trying. And so what if people dont like your act, I bet they dont have the cahonas to get out in front of a croud and try it. But thats how you learn, and isnt that what life is all about? LEARNING, LIVING, AND LAUGHTER!
 
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