Airline Humor ...

[Fred]

Airline Announcements Made Following the Flights ...

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane!'

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses........except for that gentleman over there.'

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the left wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking and I would like to welcome you to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing! You should see the back of mine!'

 

[ldb2000]

I think I like that last one best ....ROFLMAO thanks .

 

[mickr]

thanks for the smiles

 

[Jim Smith]

After working for an airline for 28 years, you get used to seeing and hearing almost anything. I think the funniest event that I witnessed was when I was working as a gate agent boarding a Boeing 727 from Atlanta to New York. On the Boeing 727, the lavatory is directly in front of you as you board the aircraft. You board, turn right and head down through first class to the coach cabin. There was a lady in first class that decided to use the restroom before the aircraft was all boarded. As sometimes happens, when she when in, she didn't lock the door. A man traveling in first class also decided to use the restroom around the same time. He opened the door and stepped into the restroom while the lady was sitting down. He quickly apologized profusely and tried to back out of the restroom. Unfortunately, the lady had her slacks and panty hose down at her ankles and he had stepped between her feet. When he backed out, he fell backwards, dragging this poor woman out of the restroom feet first, naken from the waist down. They both started screaming and kicking and the more they kicked, the more tangled up they got. For those of you who live in Florida, they looked like lovebugs joined at the feet. The funniest part was that the New York passengers simply stepped over them and continued boarding the aircraft. I imagine that poor woman had to spend the entire flight locked in the restroom. There's simply no way she could have sat down next to someone and said, "Why yes, that was me you stepped over as you boarded the aircraft."

Jim Smith

 

[altaciii]

Now thats the way to start a day, with a big smile. I'll be sure to pass it on. Thanks

 

[leehljp]

Thanks for the laughter! Great! :biggrin:

 

[dgscott]

laughed out loud, and am flying to Seattle on Tuesday.

Doug

 

[skywizzard]

Thanks Fred & Jim, Those were TOO GOOD....

 

[markgum]

thanks for the laughs this morning

 

[Ligget]

Those are crackers!

 

[tbroye]

Coffe on the keyboard, coffee on the monitor and coffee running out of my oh! you get the idea. Great way to start the day.

 

[JayDevin]

I am a gate agent in San Francisco...
you would not believe the stories I can tell you....
If any of you ever watched the show Airline it is all real and not made up!

 

[DaveM]

A Reno Air cabin crew I flew with several times was quite jovial. Cabin attendants would sneak thinngs into the safety lectures. ("In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, when you are finished screaming, pull the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and breath normally") The lone male cabin attnedant started out his introduction of the cabin crew one night with ("Hi, I'm Tyler and this is my Harem!") The Captain apologized for a delay by claiming that the machine that destroys the baggage was broken, so they were having to break our luggage by hand.

My favorite moment was when they announced that there was no smoking, sex or unauthorized use of bowling balls allowed on the flight. I had just flown across the country a couple of days earlier when a bowling bag with two balls in it fell out of the overhead compartment during a bumpy flight. Turns out there was a big amateur bowling event that weekend, and half the people on the airplane had stowed their bowling balls overhead. I was talking to the attendant who made the bowling ball comment, and her sister had been on the same flight I had. (She was a delta flight attendant) It was a fun crew to fly with, and the pilot could grease a landing with the best of them.

I haven't flown very much the last 8 years, but I don't miss it either. I used to get several hundred thousand mile points a year. I worked all over the country. Now I actually use my own bed most of the time.

Great post. THanks for the laughs.

Dave

 

[Jgrden]

What a riot. :lol