20 Years of Marriage

[GaryMGg]

A woman awakes during the night to see that her husband is not in their bed. Donning her robe, she finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, in deep thought, staring at the wall. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye as he takes a sip of coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here this late at night?'

The husband looks up and says, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?'

The wife, almost in tears herself, thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is, says, 'Yes, I do dear.'

The husband continues, 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....


'I would have gotten out today.'

 

[Dr. Frank N. Stein]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
- - - - - -
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
- - - - - - -
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
- - - - - - - - -

- A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! ​

- Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? ​

- Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. ​

- Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. ​

- 'What in the world is wrong with you? ​

- You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' ​

- The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ​

- - - - - - -
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James , a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[OKLAHOMAN]

LMAO​

 

[Art Fuldodger]

Why is divorce so expensive?



Because it's worth it.

 

[cowchaser]

I read this to my wife and she actually had the nerve to ask me if I felt like that. Well, me always being on my toes I quickly replied "no I still have 3 more years to go". She didn't think that part was to funny, but I sure did.

 

[Longfellow]

Married.

I have been married 56 years and all of the above is like reading my biography.

 

[wudnhed]

ALL great! LMAO!!!!!

 

[Art Fuldodger]

I read this to my wife and she actually had the nerve to ask me if I felt like that. Well, me always being on my toes I quickly replied "no I still have 3 more years to go".

Well played, well played...

Once I got an envelope in the mail with some cash in it, and my wife jokingly asked "What are you doing, selling naked pictures of me?" I responded "Honey, there's four dollars here... I had to sell pictures of you AND your sister to get that."

Surprisingly.... she laughed and took it well.

 

[greenmtnguy]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'He said, 'I found the remote'.​

 

[bitshird]

I wish I'd steered clear of this thread, My ribs hurt like H#ll after coughing so hard for the past 2 weeks, and now you guys make me laugh, THAT"S NOT FUNNY.